To Heal
I don't want easy. Just not so hard.
I've had to carry so much weight this past year. But I really feel like I've started to mend some things.
I think the idea of fixing things is a lost cause. It's no use thinking things will ever be back to normal again. I have to find a new normal; learn what is natural, now.
I've picked up, dusted off, and glued together the pieces of me that fell apart. There are so many pieces. But I start to feel whole again. The bad times have moved away from me and I have distance between who I was then and now. It is all the same me. But I am different now than I was then. Understanding time has allowed me to move forward.
It would be so easy to fall apart.
I don't think I ever dealt or could ever deal. It was too much all at once. I was never allowed the space to mourn.
I have removed myself from all negative situations and I have allowed myself the space to cope with loss, with the shame, with guilt, with others.
I feel what it feels like to be alone and I want to be able to be myself alone with someone else. It takes the simplest thing to break the fortress that is my world and comfort zone. But I have allowed myself the ability to sustain hurt and discomfort and the pain of being with others.
I have to believe that the good and joy and pleasure of being with someone else will out weigh my thoughts.
I have a hope for my future and I can see my experience as whole.
I want to thank this experience and my participation in it. I thank the connections for allowing me to see my own presence and appreciate all that I am and all that I can be. Man or woman. I am proud to be me.
I thought if I don't write this down then maybe it won't be true. I'm taking the summer to work on myself and reach some goals. Even if they are small and meaningless to some. I want to be better and feel more and become more.
It took so long to be able to walk out into the world, broken and alone. Now, not to be alone, to be myself.
I will never be empty again.
